Hellhōle Nelson - Where Authenticity Meets Exclusivity

Indulge in rustic charm—without the rust.

Nestled in the heart of Nelson, B.C., the Hellhōle Nelson Properties transform the quaintness of Kootenay Lake into a playground for the privileged.

Here, owning a piece of Nelson isn't just about housing; it's a statement. A bold declaration that says, "I can afford to live anywhere, and I choose to gentrify here."

Indulge in rustic charm—without the rust.

Nestled in the heart of Nelson, B.C., the Hellhōle Nelson Properties transform the quaintness of Kootenay Lake into a playground for the privileged.

Here, owning a piece of Nelson isn't just about housing; it's a statement. A bold declaration that says, "I can afford to live anywhere, and I choose to gentrify here."

Plunge into Excess.

For those who find thrill in burning money, Hellhōle Nelson offers "Whitewater Wealth Resort."

Slide down the pristine snow of the Selkirk and Purcell Mountains, your designer gear costing more than a local's annual salary. It's not just skiing; it's a descent as thrilling as your stock portfolio, with views that make you forget you're just sliding down a hill.

Plunge into Excess.

For those who find thrill in burning money, Hellhōle Nelson offers "Whitewater Wealth Resort."

Luxury Beyond the Local's Comprehension.

Imagine stepping into your fortress of opulence, where every detail screams overindulgence.

Perched under Morning Mountain, your luxury townhome overlooks what was once a serene landscape, now dominated by The Dodger Golf Course – a testament to how much money can be spent on grass.

Here, golf isn't just a game; it's a strategic display of financial firepower, where nature serves merely as a backdrop for today's Instagram post.

Luxury Beyond the Local's Comprehension.

Imagine stepping into your fortress of opulence, where every detail screams overindulgence.

Perched under Morning Mountain, your luxury townhome overlooks what was once a serene landscape, now dominated by The Dodger Golf Course – a testament to how much money can be spent on grass.

Here, golf isn't just a game; it's a strategic display of financial firepower, where nature serves merely as a backdrop for today's Instagram post.

Riedel of Austria fine Veloce glassware

Designed for the lightness of pleasure. First Home includes Riedel's Veloce Syrah/Shiraz glass, perfect for balancing the tannins and fruit typical of medium-bodied red wines; the Riesling glass perfect for balancing the high acidity of old world and cooler climate white wines; Pinot Noir glasses for light-bodied red wines with high acidity, moderate tannin as well as Chardonnay and Nebbiolo, and Champagne glasses (a diamond glass – not a flute nor a coupe - that allows the wide range of aromatics in Champagne to be fully enjoyed), together with highball and whiskey crystal tumblers. All glassware is dishwasher safe.

Wishbone Dining Chairs

One of the most iconic chairs of the 20th century, renowned for its timeless elegance, craftsmanship, and designer Hans J. Wegner's Wishbone Chair has solidified its status as a design classic cherished by design enthusiasts, collectors, and homeowners around the globe.

Hay Counter Stools

A testament to the principles of Scandinavian design, combining functionality, simplicity, and elegance, designed by HAY of Denmark with Hee Welling in 2012. Hay Counter Stools are minimalistic modern stools featuring a curved backrest, long elegant wooden legs, and shells made from 100% recycled post-consumer plastic from household machines. The Hay Counter Stools are ideal for entertaining around the Chef's Kitchen Island at Hellhōle Nelson.

Womb Chair and Ottoman

The Womb Chair is a timeless icon of mid-century modern design, embodying both comfort and elegance. Designed by Finnish-American architect Eero Saarinen in collaboration with textile designer Florence Knoll, the chair was introduced in 1948 and remains a beloved piece of furniture to this day. Its creation was a response to Florence Knoll's request for a chair she could "curl up in, like a basket of pillows," sparking the concept of the Womb Chair.

Expect the unexpected.

A Sanctuary of Self-Indulgence.

Hellhōle Nelson isn't just about blending in; it's about standing out like a peacock in a flock of pigeons. Our development redefines innovation by making everything so exorbitantly priced that only a select few can afford it.

You won't ever truly experience the joy of having "fuck you" money until you have positioned yourself safely on the fringe of a community of conflicted creative types.

Amenities for you, the Elite

Signature Tennis Court: Where the only thing getting a workout is your ego.
Opulent Pool and Hot Tub: Soak in self-importance while overlooking the lake, pretending you're one with nature. It's practically a statement against water conservation!
Luxury Townhomes: Each unit is a fortress of opulence, equipped with amenities such as Austrian crystal, porcelain from Villeroy & Boch, and Fairmont Gold-spec towels. Enjoy maximum ostentatiousness in a town where their most exciting event is the annual pancake breakfast.

Preserving Nelson's "charm".

We at Hellhōle Properties believe in preserving Nelson's small-town charm by importing wealthy urbanites, effectively embalming its spirit.

And for every luxury unit sold, we will contribute a whopping $1,000 to Nelson's affordable housing fund.

Not to worry. Our commitment to housing Nelson's druggie riffraff is public-facing stance by necessity. But in reality this token gesture will be equivalent to less than one-tenth of the cost of the crystal glassware in your unit.

Preserving Nelson's "charm".

We at Hellhōle Properties believe in preserving Nelson's small-town charm by importing wealthy urbanites, effectively embalming its spirit.

And for every luxury unit sold, we will contribute a whopping $1,000 to Nelson's affordable housing fund.

Not to worry! Our commitment to housing Nelson's druggie riffraff is, by necessity, our public-facing stance. But in reality this token gesture will be equivalent to less than one-tenth of the cost of the crystal glassware in your unit.

Your New Lifestyle Statement.

Why shouldn't your bolthole also serve as your own personal playground?

For a mere $1.95 million, own a piece of what was once a community golf course, overlooking what was once a unique hamlet, relatively unmarred by corporate greed.

Sip your morning coffee from Austrian crystal, overlooking the Selkirk Mountains, while those lazy locals ponder if they can still afford to live in the area.

Your New Lifestyle Statement.

Why shouldn't your bolthole also serve as your own personal playground?

For a mere $1.95 million, own a piece of what was once a community golf course, overlooking what was once a unique hamlet, relatively unmarred by corporate greed.

Sip your morning coffee from Austrian crystal, overlooking the Selkirk Mountains, while those lazy locals ponder if they can still afford to live in the area.

Hellhōle Nelson - Where Wealth Meets Whimsy.

This isn't just a development; it's a monument to excess in a town known for simplicity.

While you indulge in self-discovery through self-indulgence, the real Nelson watches from the sidelines, its future uncertain but its charm still intact, at least for the moment.

Welcome to Hellhōle Nelson, where your money buys you a slice of small-town life, a pedestrian sojourn into quirky counterculture, without the hassle of actually living among the weirdo locals.

Hellhōle Nelson - Where Wealth Meets Whimsy.

This isn't just a development; it's a monument to excess in a town known for simplicity.

While you indulge in self-discovery through self-indulgence, the real Nelson watches from the sidelines, its future uncertain but its charm still intact, at least for the moment.

Welcome to Hellhōle Nelson, where your money buys you a slice of small-town life, a pedestrian sojourn into quirky counterculture, without the hassle of actually living among the weirdo locals.

Imagine a place where your wealth is so ostentatious it blinds everyone.

Welcome home.

Testimonials

Our friends let us know that Nelson is known for being pretty wild.
But JFC we had no intention of putting our family into a Stephen fucking King novel.

—Jennifer Louise Bradshaw

I was at the Maple Leaf Lounge for breakfast first thing Monday morning before my Air Canada flight to Vancouver. The next flight to Castlegar can only be made in a small turboprop airplane, the furthest thing from 1st class imaginable.

As we reached our destination, wildfire smoke canceled our flight, sending us back to Vancouver. After a long wait, it was clear we wouldn't reach Castlegar that day. Air Canada provided less-than-ideal accommodations for the night. The next day, the flight was canceled indefinitely, so I rented a car for an eight-hour drive to Nelson.

Exhausted, I slept upon arriving at my Hellhōle townhouse and woke up feeling disoriented late Wednesday morning.

Recalling that this town still doesn’t have Uber Eats, I wolfed down some squashed energy bars from my carry-on, accompanied by the stale remnants of once-sparkling water I found in the fridge.

I stumbled over to 'The Dodger' clubhouse and onto the first tee. The air was heavy with the acrid scent of distant fires. My eyes watered, perhaps from the smoke, or perhaps the absurdity of my life’s choices.

—Blair Pinrose

We were having a fun day at the Whitewater Wealth Resort when things took an unexpected turn. Sure, the hill only has 2 chairlifts and the lodge looks like it was built by an inbred lumberjack in the 1960's. But no one told us that the resort is "locally owned". Ugh. Or that the chairlifts literally are from the 1960's and prone to constant mechanical failure.

Imagine being stuck 100 feet in the air for almost 2 hours during a snowstorm. Or being laughed at simply for demanding a rescue. Never again!

—Sam Silverspoon

A message from our founder

Ah, Nelson, BC. Upon first visiting this hidden gem of quaint charm and creativity, I immediately felt a profound connection. The French bakery, artisan coffee, health food stores, yoga studios, musicians, and artists... against the rugged beauty of the Canadian wilderness. It was like stepping into a dream. I was enchanted, truly.

So, in my love for Nelson, I did what any visionary would do: I bought out the community golf course. My vision? A resort so opulent, it would redefine luxury. And I'm not just selling a place to stay; I'm selling Nelson's very soul. The quirky culture, the 'off the beaten path' vibe – it's all part of the package!

Now, some might say I'm contributing to gentrification, that I'm slowly eroding the very thing that drew me here. But that's where they're wrong. I'm improving it by showcasing it to the world's elite.

These locals don’t realize what they are sitting on. Nelson's charm will survive, maybe even thrive, but it needs to be developed under my careful guardianship. After all, what better way of honoring something you love than refining, rebranding, and marketing it as a hot “on-trend” commodity to YOU – the highest bidder?!

Welcome to Hellhōle Nelson and your journey to becoming a First Fairway-to-Nowhere Fiefdom Founder.

– Grant Kwōng
Head Hellhōle Hancho

Have you seen our stupid promo film yet?